


Find your love and fight for it

by winterscaptsam



Series: Sambucky bingo 2019 [4]
Category: Marvel
Genre: Coming Out, M/M, Sam Wilson Feels, Sam Wilson-centric, Sambucky Bingo 2019, Self-Acceptance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-20
Updated: 2020-02-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:22:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22822495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/winterscaptsam/pseuds/winterscaptsam
Summary: Sam learns to love again, quiet and composed. Love letters stay in between walls and stolen kisses don’t leave his apartment. It's not that it's a secret, loving Bucky the way he does, lord knows he’d scream it from the rooftops, travel all the way to space to let any living life form know it as well. But that’s the problem, he just doesn’t know how and it aches him to his core to keep Bucky like a secret, like this love is something to be ashamed of.OrSam decides it's about time to come out.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Sam Wilson
Series: Sambucky bingo 2019 [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1513679
Comments: 14
Kudos: 98





	Find your love and fight for it

**Author's Note:**

> Box filled: coming out 
> 
> Happy LGBT+ Month!
> 
> Coming out is a scary thing sometimes, remember you're loved and there are people to talk to. Keep standing strong :)  
> 
> 
> Warnings: use of slurs

At age ten, Sam heard the word faggot for the first time. One of the boys from school, Alex, had shouted it over and over again. He didn’t know what it meant but even at ten he realised the type of poison that sounded the word. 

They’re kids, name calling and uttering things that half of them don’t even know the meaning of comes with the package. Sure, Sam’s been called names before, hell, he’s even said some of them back.  _ Wimp, loser.  _

Most common one he’s heard or that’s been said to anyone that looks like him: boogie. 

They all hurt in their own ways, carved hatred and insecurities that weren’t there in the first place but there’s something about this word that just...well, Sam can’t really get it out his head, it hurts and he’s not sure why. 

“What happened in school today, Samuel?” His father's sweet yet somber voice asks, eyes glassy and preparing for the realisation that no matter how much he wants to, he can’t protect this brown eyed boy full of wonder from all the harm the world has to give. 

“Well, Riley and I were playing tag and then he fell down and hurt his knee! And when I get hurt mommy kisses it better so I kissed Riley’s knee better but then Alex laughed at us and called us,” he doesn’t even know what it means, why does it hurt so much to say? “He called us,” trying to battle the words out of a dry throat and pained mind, “he called us-“

At age ten Sam learnt the world can be mean sometimes, that it can hurt people but it’s up to us with how we deal with it. Some people stand up, voice their pain and become a hand to hold. Some fight in their own way by moving on, by being true to themselves. And some give up.

That day Sam promised his father he won’t be the one to give up, because he’s a Wilson and Wilson’s keep going with every breath they’ve got. 

Now, grown out of old habits and will know what every word that is thrown at him means, Sam’s still standing. With the addition of a shield and blue eyed (ex) assassin by his side. And he hasn’t given up, mostly because he hasn’t given the world a reason to tear him down yet. 

For awhile now, Sam’s known where his eyes are left gazing when the topic of love, lust, attraction arise. Constantly finding his emotions trapped in between liquor lips and oakmoss cologne, the strength of arms protecting him from the world, the feeling of being full in where he’d feel empty. 

Sam had found love in a boy at thirteen, a childhood friend turned soldier in combat. Sam had loved Riley since they were kids.

Then limited hours at night are filled by strangers, not the same but he liked the company nonetheless.

Sam learns to love again, quiet and composed. Love letters stay in between walls and stolen kisses don’t leave his apartment. It's not that it's a secret, loving Bucky the way he does, lord knows he’d scream it from the rooftops, travel all the way to space to let any living life form know it as well. But that’s the problem, he just doesn’t know how and it aches him to his core to keep Bucky like a secret, like this love is something to be ashamed of. 

“You don’t gotta, Sammy. I’ve got you and you’ve got me,” Bucky says, tone silvery with reassurance. “Doesn't matter to me wether the world knows it or not,” places a soft kiss to the base of his lovers forehead, “and when you do decide to let people know, ‘s gotta be for yourself,”

“Hell of a story that’d be, huh? Captain America in secret relationship with the Winter Soldier,” 

“They might as well call me Captain America’s slut at this point,” 

“Wow. Really? Really, Buck?” 

Bucky’s face way too proud of his self given title and Sam knows exactly what that squinty eyed smile means. 

“No. Nope, not now. Duty calls,” Sam’s shaking his head, in attempt to get Bucky’s thoughts out of his own mind.

“Quick one? Break the soap dispenser one more time?”

At this point, Bucky’s too far gone and Sam gives in easily. Because pouty lips and those big blues really take away that Wilson stubbornness inside of him. 

“We have ten minutes.” 

“Perfect,” Bucky smirks, grabs Sam by his hand and pulls him into a kiss, sensual and pulling a moan out of both men. 

Sam’s not exactly sure what ready is. What  _ coming out _ is meant to be like. He’s never really had to. Brought Riley home for dinner one time and that was it. No questions asked, no statements made. He was lucky for that, for his sexuality to not be treated as something so  _ different.  _

Remembers what his father had told him all those years ago, wishes he were here to give him advice, tell him how to say the words without it breaking him from the inside out. 

_ “When you figure things out, Samuel. Remember to love and accept yourself because people will have some nasty things to say and it will hurt but never, never give up. You keep standing, you keep goin’ on. What that boy called you today, you never let anyone use words like that to hurt you again. Never let no man use your love as an excuse to hate,” pulling the young boy in by the nape of his neck to press a kiss to his son’s head, “To love someone, whether it be a man or women is something so beautiful, so powerful and if you ever find a love that blossoms, that teaches you what it is to really breathe then you keep it, you fight for it. You’re my boy, okay? No matter what. And I love you.”  _

“I think I’m ready,” Sam says at the dead of night, thoughts lined up in reasoning, heart not stumbling over at the mere discussion of letting someone, anyone know. 

And it doesn’t become a discussion nor a public statement. It's when the crowds are pulled together in cheers at another successful mission and Sam only wants to do one thing, where before he’s had to wait till doors are closed and no cameras are in the near, Sam thinks,  _ no more hiding, won’t let my love be their excuse to hate.  _

“Wanna kiss me, Barnes?” Sam soothes over the comns, flying down to concrete ground. 

“Always,” comes in his boyfriend's reply. And as always, there Bucky is, standing there, waiting for Sam to come back down to him and he does. 

Feet first and right by Bucky’s side, the sudden blow of wind pulling back his hair the way Sam does in sleepless nights, the sun bright and invading, shining both brown and blue. If Sam stares long enough he could see his reflection in the shine of Bucky’s iris and lord knows Bucky wishes Sam saw himself from his eyes. 

“I love you, you know that?” Bucky whispers, doesn’t wait to pull Sam in by his waist and lets Sam decide the next movements. Hearts in sync, breaths waiting to become one Sam holds on to the nape of Bucky’s neck. 

“I love you too,” 

The world goes blank and just as though the whispers of the crowds, flashing cameras and rubble with broken buildings behind them aren’t there. The sun sets as does Sam’s secret, he kisses Bucky. 

It’s graceful, delicate and heart wrenching all the same. Lips chasing the others for more, salt tears behind closed eyes at this love, he kisses Bucky with all he’s got. And this moment, is the only moment that matters to him. 

It feels like forever, even when it ends. Even when they’re trying to tackle their way through burning questions and screaming fans. 

“You okay?” Bucky asks, cautious. 

Sam thinks it's okay, more than okay. “I’m happy,” he replies, holding his hands tight in Bucky’s. 

Of course, it doesn’t take long for Sam’s mentions to fill up, for every start up question to be his current realationship with Bucky Barnes, how long he’s been seeing men, how this affects his day to day life and of course his favourite, how it is to be an African American gay man who also happens to be Captain America. 

And Sam knows the world can be mean sometimes, known it since ten but it doesn’t hurt, even when the same words from fifth grade retrace themselves into his life again. He hopes, thinks that maybe there’s a little boy out there and Sam’s shown him what it is to love, love good and well even if sometimes people say otherwise. 

At age ten Sam learnt the world can be mean sometimes, that it can hurt people but it’s up to us with how we deal with it. Some people stand up, voice their pain and become a hand to hold. Some fight in their own way by moving on, by being true to themselves. And some give up.

Now, he’s happy and proud to say he’s part of the some that stand up, tall and gracefully. 

Full of love. 

Full of acceptance. 

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on tumblr as @justficsandstuff
> 
> Feedback appreciated :) x


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